The Worst Pitch I’ve Seen in Awhile

The other day at the grocery store I noticed a pre-made cake with the pitch “The Best Chocolate Cake Ever.”  My eyes rolled so much I nearly succumbed to vertigo.  Puh-leaze with a capital leaze, and stick an ‘s’ in front of that for good measure.  What a joke, seriously.  The audacity of some low-level bakery to claim their cake is the best EVER was an immediate turn off.  I did not want to try to cake to see what the best ever cake tastes like because I know it’s a lie, and I don’t want to eat cake from a company that lies so blatantly.

Instead, the headline should have said something about the chocolaty cake.  Is it creamier than others?  Is the chocolate flavor so intense only a few bites will satisfy?  Is it smooth and rich?  Does it melt in your mouth?  Does it crumble all over your plate or stay satisfyingly firm after you slice off a piece?  Tell me something about the actual flavor of the cake, not some douchebag opinion that it’s the best.  Yeah, yeah, everything ever made by a food company is the best, give me a break.

The First Ad I saw on Facebook Today

I opened up Facebook and looked at the first advertisement I saw.  The headline is “All About That Bass!”  The graphic looks like a tiny soda-pop can with a + and – on its, otherwise featureless, blackened shape.  There is a pleasant baby puke background color.  The copy below the images reads as follows: “Take these powerful bluetooth speakers to the beach, to the pool and everywhere else.  There is a website hyperlink to Koodo mobile sandwiched between the headline and the copy.

The headline is clearly a line from a pop song that cleverly conjures the idea of music and audio settings.  The image is aesthetic, it shows nothing but the product which is trying to look attractive to the eye with minimalism and curves.  The background color is not a bright white, but is light enough to sharply contrast the black bluetooth speaker.

The copy’s main pitch is the use of “powerful” “beach” and “pool.”  The “bluetooth speaker” portion is just telling you what the product is, which is necessary, but powerful is a description that may pique your interest further.  Maybe you don’t have a powerful bluetooth speaker, maybe yours dies out too quickly, or doesn’t produce good audio.  This product promises to be an improvement.  It also promises to be easily transportable.  That’s not really a great pitch because all of these products are transportable, so instead of just saying “take it with you anywhere” they conjure pleasant images, like the beach and pool.

What problem is this advertisement intending to solve?

If you don’t already have a bluetooth speaker, or you are discontented with one you have, then maybe you have the problem of needing a replacement.  Maybe you like to listen to music, and most of your music is on your phone, and you want to play it in the background of wherever you are, because you go places a lot, and headphones don’t cut it for you.  Maybe you want to have better audio when watching a movie or TV show on your smartphone.  There are lots of little problems one could have that this technology is attempting to solve.

Do you have one of those problems?  Does it need to be solved?

A Simple Ad Adjustment for Clicks

You may not find yourself clicking on many ads whenever you surf around on Facebook.  Most of the time they are annoying, like a mosquito buzzing near your ear, taking your attention away from what you really want to focus on.  Can you think of any ad that you clicked on lately?  Did it look and feel like an Ad, or was it something bigger?  Was it a product, or a service?  Or was it simply information?

An ad went across my screen that got my click.  It was probably the first ad in years I have clicked on from my Facebook feed.  The ad was directly targeted to me because of my day job.  That was it’s first good step, as the product would be useless if I was in literally any other field.  The brief copy I read spoke directly to my needs, and if I remember correctly, it went something like “generate dozens of leads every month as a X.”  It’s hard to generate leads as a X, so my interest was kindled.  The pitch spoke directly to my pain point, which is, how can I be successful without fresh business?  I then clicked on the “Learn More” button.

The “Learn More” button brought me to a landing page that asked for my email and name, to set me up with the free webinar where I was going to learn about how to generate leads.  Capturing emails and offering free products is standard for competent online businesses, but how can they get people to go to the landing page?  Answer: ads.  That’s obvious enough, but how do you get that ad to work as intended?  Well, “learn more” is a low commitment take action cue.

Instead of the ad going straight for the jugular, like “buy my product for $1000 and get leads fed to you through facebook ads” the advertiser leads you to a trail of crumbs that builds you up to the purchase or reject option.  Once your prospect clicks on ‘Learn More’ they have taken a small action and made a little commitment.  On the landing page they get a second pitch that reveals a little more, but also offers the free product, courtesy of getting your name and email, of course.  This way the guy who is getting the emails knows the emails he captures are actual leads, these people have taken some kind of action.

Lesson learned, give people a very small and innocent noncommital action to take, such as “learn more” and then try to gain their business through 3 or 4 more steps.

Verdict: A – Outstanding pitch where you may end up buying the product.

Justification: Had me click, captured my email, and now I am very likely to buy a product I would have otherwise never known about.  This is how good advertisement works, it brings to your attention a product or service you can’t or won’t seek out on your own, but if pitched properly, you find you may need or want.

Subject Title Advice for the Weird

That’s it, that’s all.  I recently read a post by Ramit Sethi that was titled “Productivity advice for the weird.”  None of the advice was different from everything you’ve already read, so the biggest thing to pay attention to in the post was how his title got you to click.

Everyone wants to be more productive – check.

Everyone wants advice – check.

“Weird”, the key to the click, this doesn’t mean the clicker is weird, but the clicker will be curious how weird people are productive – check.

That’s the secret sauce to producing a quality headline.  Appeal to curiosity with a simple phrase.  See how many of the following titles you would have a 50% or greater chance to click on:

• Health advice for the weird.
• Car advice for the weird.
• Garden advice for the weird.
• Reading advice for the weird.
• Sales advice for the weird.
• Cooking advice for the weird.

Weird automatically adds a layer of mystique to what is otherwise ordinary drivel you’ve seen on a million bullet point clickbait posts.  It’s also a lot better use of keywords than a simple “Productivity Advice” title.

Verdict: B – Great pitch where you could end up starting the buying process, or you click on the ad or link.

Justification:  Hey, I clicked.  Even if I wasn’t already pre-sold on Ramit, I probably would’ve clicked.

Getting Cold Called

I recently began a new business venture and within a few days I was cold called by a website rep selling me their service.  Although I don’t remember the pitch word for word, I do know that I called the gentlemen back because I thought he wanted my business!  I was eager for a lead, and so I fell for a good message that was basically asking me to clarify if I worked in the residential sector of my business.

So, when he returned my follow up phone call, I happily answered and then soon realized this wasn’t a client, this was a salesman on the line.  As soon as I realized this my heart sunk a little and I got nervous.  I wasn’t ready to hear a pitch, and I sure as heck wasn’t about to buy anything.  Needless to say, he was able to get me to okay his pitch when he told me it would take no more than a minute of my time.

Now, I know that sometimes you should hear a guy out who calls you to make a deal, particularly if it isn’t an obvious scam.  The product he was offering was logical to my business: a professional website that can get you on the first search result page of Google in your hometown.  This is actually useful for someone like me, and the price was reasonable if I were already making good enough money.  That’s the key, I need to be making good enough money because I can’t justify borrowing for the product, given my situation.

That being said, he brought up the common objection my profession would give him, which is they don’t need referrals through Google.  His workaround was the traffic from Google, if you are on the first page, are referrals.  This is true.  Nothing wrong about that.  Therefore, his service is actually offering a benefit to you, which is good salesmanship.  And, the company is irregular enough where I cannot immediately find a competitor, and I’m not sure how to value the cost of the service.

However, he was able to show me through a website the different pages they had worked on, and there was definitely a difference.

The ultimate benefit of his pitch, pay money to save time.  The time you are saving is the time you would use building your own website and tweaking it to be on the front page of a Google search.  It could honestly take you many years to build a site akin to what they are offering, so the price is justified, particularly if you get leads that turn into clients.

The real takeaway for me though was his energy on the phone.  He was upbeat, but not overbearing.  He was clear spoken, spoke at a good pace, used my name and asked me questions I had to say yes to.  He also was quick on his feet, for instance, when he asked me if I could offer a better service than my competitors, and I hesitated, he offered that perhaps I could offer a comparable service, which was much easier for me to imagine, since I’m a realistic guy.

I could also appreciate that he asked me for a referral while he had me on the phone.  He may as well since he’s had me on the phone for 40 minutes, and I was happy to oblige since I’ve been on his end before in sales.

94% Off! You’ve got to be kidding me…

I get a lot of marketing emails, particularly from a guy named Eben Pagan.  I haven’t used any of his products, and I have ignored almost all of his emails because they smell of gimmicky online sales guy.  Case in point, here’s an email title that I didn’t even need to click on:  (Closing Tonight) 94% Off “The Best of Eben Pagan.”

I can see in the preview: this closes tonight!  This is your last chance to get 8 of my…

I can’t see the rest from there, and I don’t think I ever will.

Here’s the thing.  94%, or even 99% off sales mean nothing.  I mean, it’s MASSIVE right?  This is a massive sale, how could you not buy this product?  Probably because something discounted that much I instinctively think of as garbage.  And I flat out don’t trust the price of any digital product.  It’s all made up.  For all I know, this guy took a random number, then blew it up by 94%, and then used the 6% for his price.  Let’s give an example:

I’ll sell my ebook, “How to Con Fools” for 5.99.  It’s original price was 99.83 by dividing 5.99 by .06.  If you take 99.83 and multiply it by .94 you get 93.84, and 99.83-93.84=5.99.

To give another example, if I decide I want to sell a product, and I come up with a random number, say 500, and then decide I want to do a huuuuuge sale on it, 94%.  Well, now all I have to do is 500 x .94 and I will know I want to sell it at $30.  I can do this because digital products can be any price, there is no way to know for sure what kind of value it offers.  Is it a $30 product, or $49?  There is literally nothing to compare it against.

Therefore, saying something is 94% off is perfectly meaningless if the product is a digital one.  If you were selling me a T-shirt at 94% off, I might think you’re crazy and look at the sale to confirm I’m not getting ripped off somehow.  Otherwise, your crazy sale is clickbait and an immediate turn off.  You may as well tell me the first 7 tips are free, you only pay for the 8th, and consequently best, tip for $30.  Oh, and btw you have to purchase all at once, you can’t grab the 7 and split.

Verdict: D – A poor pitch you can see right through.

Justification: Don’t try to get around the age-old truism, “if it sounds too good to be true, it is.”  I don’t care how many articles have been written trying to refute this, you can’t refute it in one headline for your digital product.

A Travel Agent Headline

There is an ad I see on my paper ever week, and the headline goes like this: “Without A Travel Agent You Are On Your Own!”

That is the pitch.

But something has always struck me as odd in this headline copy.  It seems like a good pitch, because it has the right angle, playing on a major fear of traveling, which is being on your own.  Some people like to be on their own, but the big reason why people won’t respond to the ad is price.  Vacations are expensive, so why would I, the customer, want to spend even more on an agent?  It’s too easy to get around this pitch with objections like: I’ll be fine, or, I know someone who can help, or, I’ll go to a travel website and figure it out on my own.

Also, people tend to like planning out their vacation.  Why is the cost of an agent then justified?

The truth is, I don’t know much about travel agents, and so this headline had better get me to call, and I don’t think it will.  Perhaps agents are needed when your vacation is more complicated, like going to a foreign country and you have no idea where to start.  Maybe they aren’t very expensive to use.  Are there testimonials of people who have used such agents?  Why would a friend recommend an agent to you?

Perhaps the headline should have something to do with price, like how a travel agent can save you money.  And the ad should have a free giveaway to snag emails, like email me for your free copy of my guide ‘Pitfalls to avoid while vacationing.’

I am curious how travel agents have survived in the age of the internet.  Maybe their clientele is aging and the job will eventually fizzle out once the baby boomer generation of travel agents retire.  Who knows, but I am also curious how well this ad converts.  It must do something because it has been in this paper for a long time.

What can we learn if this ad does speak to a lot of people and is successful?  I think that lesson would be: people are uncomfortable with their own abilities to do something complicated.  People need help “figuring things out.”  In fact, I bet you a great book title would be “How to Figure Things Out.”

Verdict: C – Appearance of a decent pitch, but lacks the special something to get you to take any action.

Justification:  There’s nothing free for me in this ad.  It only speaks to people with a fear of planning their vacation.  Nothing entices me to contact this person because if they are this blunt in their ad, are they blunt and will speak down to me in person?  The headline definitely comes across as high and mighty.  “You will be on your own.”  That sounds like the kind of threat you would get from a parent.

This Direct Mail Gimmick is Really Smooth

How often do you get direct mail in your mailbox you don’t even look at because it’s sandwiched in with others and you know by the shape and paper it’s junk mail?  The answer, if you’re a home owner, is probably a lot.  Do you chuck that mail immediately?  Do you take one glance, or give it 3 seconds?  Does it get left on your countertop or table for days before reaching the trash?  How do marketers find a way around that?

The answer is simple.

The shape of the ad can make all the difference.

Let me now show you what I mean:

This is the first time in two years I have gotten direct mail with that shape.  You literally cannot miss this when you see it on your door knob.  This guy knows his mail is going to be seen by almost every home owner’s door it sits on.  The same cannot be said for other direct mail.  I do wonder what his response rate will be, I will have to give him a call in a week to find out if he will tell me.

The headline of the copy is straightforward, but the body copy needs work.  It’s great and  all that he tells you what specific services he provides, but he’s not telling you of any benefits.  The only benefit on this ad is the senior discount.  There are no other discounts or sales?  One of the lines says “deals this good don’t last forever.”  This call to action is underwhelming, because it only applies to seniors.  “Deals” is in plural, but there’s only one deal spoken of.  Seniors may appreciate a discount, but this alienates the rest of the market.

Instead, what if he thought about what kinds of people own homes and why would they want to hire a plumber?  Is it always price?  Maybe there’s a job that’s too big for them, or maybe they want to save time and money.  Maybe they don’t want the headache, or they want someone to do a job but their schedule isn’t flexible.  Good copy knows why customers call, and in the case of plumbing, I’m willing to bet it’s because there’s an emergency.

A last point on the call to action.  I see “call today” used a lot.  Is it really effective?  I know the advertiser needs the sale as soon as possible, but is there a better way to get people who don’t have an urgent need to eventually call?  Why not modify “call today” with “call today, or put us down as a contact in your phone when you need a plumber.”  What if a customer gets this ad in their mail, but they don’t have an immediate plumbing need, so they throw the mail out?  But then, what if 3 weeks later they spring a leak and need a plumber ASAP?  They won’t remember the plumbing ad well enough to look that guy up, so they will Google whatever plumbers or ask their friends and family for recommendations.

Overall Verdict: C – Appearance of a decent pitch, but lacks the special something to get you to take any action.

Justification: The body copy needs work.  Huge lack of benefits for going with THIS plumber.  What brings the grade up to a C from an F is the shape of the direct mail, so eyeballs are guaranteed to see the pitch.

I Can’t Believe I Didn’t Know This Before

I swear when I made this blog I didn’t know what copywriting was.  I also didn’t know there are other blogs devoted to dissecting the secrets of good copy.  Copy is the sales pitch of the written word.  It’s what you see on ads, newsprint, direct mail marketing, and more.

How crazy is it that I now have a name for this general topic.  I was attempting to learn sales pitches from the ground up, but now I have a foundational study to learn.  Once I realized what copywriting is I took a few steps to learn more.  Here is what I’m onto at the moment:

• Watched a one hour course on top 10 blunders of copywriting, on Udemy.
• Started reading Bob Bly’s book Copywriter’s Handbook

There are a few other free copywriting courses, and a couple of ebooks and blogs dedicated to the subject.  I will now attempt to dissect the copy that I see, in order to strengthen my own abilities and eye for good and bad copy.  Every copy is a pitch, so I don’t have to rebrand, and, in fact, I enjoy my brand name.  Not everything is formal copy, many times people informally try to pitch you something, and it’s fun to figure out how they think you will accept their sale.

Analyzing a Snickers Bar

When I look at this candy bar it evokes a couple of responses.  How does a candy company pitch their product to you among a huge variety of candies?  First, the packaging is well designed.  It’s in an easy to tear wrapping with easily identifiable colors.  The brown reminds you of chocolate, the red outline lets you see the letters more clearly, and although the colors are solid, they are not too bright.  The fact that the candy is one word is also ideal, since it’s easy to cram onto a small bar and it’s a lot easier to remember one word than many.

When you see a Snickers bar you are most likely already pre-sold.  I assume very few people didn’t have a Snickers bar when they were a kid.  Halloween all but guarantees an entire Western population will sample Snickers bars.  Notice too how the bar has no pitch on it.  It doesn’t say anything like, voted # 1 candy bar, or authentic chocolate flavor.  Sure, if you look very closely you will sometimes see a small description of what a candy has in it, just in case you didn’t know what it was, but Snickers doesn’t really require an additional pitch.  You either want the combo of chocolate, caramel, peanuts, and nougat, or not.

When searching for images of Snickers they had a few pitches:  “Need we say more?” “Hungry?  Grab a Snickers.” and “Snickers Satisfies.”  The first is rather weak, and pretentious.  It reminds me of when a McDonalds employee said to me, “thank you, see you again soon.”  I was like, how dare they point out my addiction to their junk food!  I felt insulted, for sure, but I knew they were right, and, sobbing, I went my way only to return a few days later to repeat the strange ritual.  The second pitch is genius.  It sticks in your head and you recall it whenever someone says the single phrase “Hungry?”  I have noticed, though, that if you don’t watch TV and so, avoid seeing any commercials ever, you gradually forget the phrase, and don’t instantly recall a Snickers bar when the hungry question is asked.  The third pitch is awful.  Sure, Snickers satisfies, but who cares?  It uses alliteration to perhaps make the wording stick, but it’s not much of an original phrase.

Overall Verdict: A

Justification: How can you improve on that candy bar design?  The packaging keeps the product fresh, it tears quickly and cleanly, keeping your hands clean, and the colors can’t be improved upon.

If you happen to be craving a Snickers bar after reading this, go here to stock up.